Rindercella: A Tairy Fale
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Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and
her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad
blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there lived a

prancesome hince who invited all the geautiful birls from riles amound

to a bancy fall. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy

fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.

While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down
and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared
before her - her jerry mud father! "Rindercella," she asked, "Shry
do you why?" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible
tork.

Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and
took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty
malions and cig boach!

Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she
must go home before the mid clock struck night.

As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her
through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced
and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck
night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,
Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom,
she slopped her dripper.

Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry
for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on
Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad
blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.

Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a
pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to
slop your dripper!

Mr. Hoyt Axton Testifies About His Writing

Feb 20, '08 12:12 AM for everyone

The Court is now in session, Honorable Donald Wildmon presiding.

Judge: Be seated. Is the Prosecutor ready?

Prosecutor The State is ready, your honor.

Judge: Call your first witness.

Prosecutor The state calls Mr. Hoyt Axton.

Prosecutor For the record, please state your line of work.

HOYT AXTON I am a songwriter and singer.

Prosecutor: Are you aware of your rights under the Fifth Amendment.

HOYT AXTON I am.

Prosecutor Are you willing to waive those rights for purposes of this hearing?

HOYT AXTON I am

Prosecutor: Is it true you've smoked a lot of grass?

HOYT AXTON It is true, and O' Lord, I've popped a lot of pills.

Prosecutor: I want to remind you that you are under oath.

Prosecutor: What else did you do?
HOYT AXTON I never touched nothin' that my spirit could kill.

Prosecutor: Would you care to explain your alleged reluctance for those items?
HOYT AXTON You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round with tombstones in their eyes

Prosecutor Let the record show the defendant is speaking metaphorically.

HOYT AXTON Actually I was speaking euphorically, but we’ll do this your way.

Prosecutor: In your opinion, do you believe that the person responsible for this euphoria has any regrets about his alleged involvement?

HOYT AXTON The pusher don't care if you live or if you die

Prosecutor: If it were in your power to ask for assistance in dealing with this problem, whom would you ask?

HOYT AXTON God.
Prosecutor: And what would you suggest God do?

HOYT AXTON God, damn the Pusher

Prosecutor For the record, would you repeat your request?
HOYT AXTON I said God, damn the Pusher man
Prosecutor: In your experience have you even known a female to participate in this activity”?
HOYT AXTON You know the dealer. The dealer is a man with the love grass in his hand

Prosecutor: Are you trying to insinuate that I personally am acquainted with this “dealer?”

Prosecutor: How does this “dealer” differ from the pusher?
HOYT AXTON Oh the pusher is a monster. Good God, he's not a natural man
Prosecutor: So you are you saying the pusher has artificially enhanced himself through HGH and other steroids, as have most professional athletes.

Prosecutor: Let’s proceed to the cost of engaging in this activity.

HOYT AXTON The dealer for a nickel will sell you lots of sweet dreams

Prosecutor: And this differs from the Pusher how?
HOYT AXTON The pusher ruins your body

Prosecutor: In your experience, has a person who engaged in this activity been able to discuss his experience later coherently?

HOYT AXTON Lord, he'll leave your mind to scream
Prosecutor: Again, for the record, please tell the court what you would suggest be done by a higher power, no matter what you perceive him to be?

HOYT AXTON God, damn the Pusher
Prosecutor: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Would you say it again?
HOYT AXTON I said God, damn the Pusher man
Prosecutor Seeing as how this is an election year, what advice do you have for the candidates?
HOYT AXTON Well, now if I were the president of this land, you know, I'd declare total war on The Pusher man

Prosecutor: In the unlikely event that this was to take place, how would you handle the Pusher?
HOYT AXTON I'd cut him if he stands, and I'd shoot him if he'd run

Prosecutor: You would do that?

HOYT AXTON Yes.

Prosecutor: Anything else you would do?
HOYT AXTON I'd kill him with my Bible and my razor and my gun
Prosecutor: Would you repeat one final time what you said earlier in reference to your Higher Power?
HOYT AXTON I said God, damn the Pusher man
Prosecutor: I have no further questions, you may fall down

My theory on the Ode to BJ

Feb 19, '08 9:04 AM for everyone

When Billie Joe was still quite young and growing up in Mississippi, he was married to a widow.
This widow had a grown-up daughter.
Billie Joe’s father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made Billie Joe’s dad his son-in-law because he was married to Billie Jo’s daughter.
His daughter was his mother, because she was his father's wife.
To complicate the matter,
he soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy whose name was Taylor, but was called “Bro” as was the fashion in Miss in those days.

His little baby then became a brother-in-law to his Dad,
And so became Billie Jo’s uncle,
and if he was his uncle, then that also made him brother
of the widow's grown daughter, who, of course, was Billie Jo’s stepmother.

Billie Jo’s father's wife then had a son
And he became Billie Jo’s grandchild, because he was his daughter's son.
Billie Jo’s wife is now his mother's mother, and although she is his wife, she's his grandmother, too.

Now if his wife is his grandmother, then he is her grandchild,
As husband of his grandmother, Billie Jo is his own grandpa!

When Bro Taylor first revealed this news, Billie Joe disappeared for some time to mull it over.

He ended up in Callahan’s Bar and discussed it with Jake and the others.

They were quite pleased and one by one toed the line, made a toast and tossed their glasses into the fireplace.

Billie Jo went back to Choctaw Ridge and discovered he had one of Callahan’s shot glasses in his pocket.

Carroll County was dry and he was afraid of what would happen if he were seen with it, so lacking a proper fireplace, he stepped up to the Tallahatchie Bridge … made a toast and tossed the glass into the river.

Later on, he discovered he still had the shot glass but his pocket watch was missing, so he jumped off the bridge shouting “tempus fugit” to try to find his watch.

A witness to this misunderstood what he had shouted, and thinking he had said, “Semper Fi” enlisted him in the Marine Corps and he was promptly sent to Viet Nam.

The standard of living was so much better there than what it had been in Mississippi, he stayed there.

He operates a bar now in Ho Chi Minh City where the patrons are all of varying nationalities.

He has built a replica of the Tallahatchie Bridge just outside the bar and the patrons have been known to have a drink or two and then dispose of something off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

Author's note: This is Part II of a series of stories I had published in the children's magazine "Jack and Jill" many years go. All the stories revolved around a family living on a farm in South Dakota. I decided to dig it out, bursh it off and send it out as a peace offering to all the cat lovers I've managed to irritate on MP for the past few years.

TOP CAT

 It is day shift roll call, lots of stretching, scratching and yawning going on. The Top Cat is giving out orders. “Tom … there is a report that a gang of mice has taken over the sheep shed. Check it out.”

“Intel has it there is some suspicious activity in the pasture near the corn field. Sounds like gophers,” he announced.

“Tabby, Felix, get out there and deal with it. Call for backup if necessary,” he added.

“I have a meeting with the brass today so I will be out of the office. If there are no questions, you have your assignments so get to work, and never forget there is danger everywhere out there so be careful and no pussyfooting around!"

Morning arrives early in the summer on a South Dakota farm. This morning Marsha who is fourteen and her brother Derek who is 11, are trying to sneak in some extra sleep.

Mother is saying, “Mash, Derek … c’mon sleepy heads, rise and shine. This is your last call.”

               Mash, the family nickname for Marsha, was in that wonderful place she called “coasting,” not quite asleep but not yet fully awake. She heard the unmistakable sound of dog tags tinkling on the stairs. The family dog Gilbert was on his way. She jumped out of bed, pulled on her gown and slippers and met him at the top of the stairs.

      She said, “Let’s go get him; let’s go get Derek.” And away they went.

Gilbert leaped onto the bed and began to cover Derek’s head with cold, wet kisses.

Derek began to shout, “Gilbert, you mutt! Get out of my bed and leave me alone!”

Gilbert began to hop back and forth barking and pulling on the blankets.     

Mash said, “All right, Derek The Wreck, up and at ‘em.”         

Derek complained, “It’s still dark outside, get out of here Monster Mash!”

At that very moment from somewhere out in the yard, a large rooster began to announce the arrival of dawn.

Mash dressed for the day in her usual overalls and boots, and as she came down the stairs, Mother greeted her with a basket. She said, “Mash, if you want eggs for breakfast you will need to visit the hen house first thing this morning.”

Mash automatically rocked up on one hip, put one foot perpendicular to the other, stared out to a place on the horizon that only she could see and issued one of her world famous sighs.

Ordinarily Mash would have complained, but today she willingly took the basket and headed out for the chicken coop. She decided that now that she was 14 it was time to start acting more grown up.

After gathering a dozen eggs, Mash stopped in the barn to watch Poppa as he was finishing up the milking.

As usual there were 8 or 10 cats all sitting quietly near Poppa waiting for their morning treat which was a huge bowl of warm milk fresh from the source.

Mash inquired, “Poppa, can I help?”

Poppa was both surprised and pleased.

He instructed Mash to “Do something about all these pesky cats always underfoot and getting in my way.”

There was one old cat that had been on the farm since Mash was a baby. He was the only cat who came near the house.

Nobody knows exactly why or when, but somebody began calling him “Pete.”

He was the “top cat” on this farm. The rest of the cats respected Pete and never challenged his authority.

Mash looked around and asked Poppa, “Where is Pete?”

Poppa scratched his head and replied, “I dunno. Been a spell since I seen him last, come to think of it.”

Mash returned to the house and asked mother if she had seen Pete.

Every now and then, Pete could be found sitting on the back step of the house with his prize catch of the day, usually a mouse or gopher. He seemed to be saying, “I may be getting old, but I’m still on the job.”

Mother said, “You know, now that you mention it honey, it has been a long time since that rascal has left me a gift on the porch.”

As soon as breakfast was over, everyone went looking for Pete, but with no luck.      

Derek and Poppa rounded up the usual suspects and began to interrogate them, but not one of them said a word. They just sat there with their mouths open, tongues hanging out and wagging their tails. Those dogs!

Finally everyone agreed that Pete was very old, and probably would never be coming back.

They had a memorial service for Pete and went about their chores.

Later that same day, Mother was quite surprised when she opened the back door and she saw a very familiar looking cat sitting there with this enormous mouse.

Mother at first thought it was Pete, because he looked so much like him, but this cat was much younger than Pete.

When the rest of the family gathered around, it was decided this was probably Pete’s son or maybe his grandson.

Everyone agreed he needed a name.

Many names were suggested and discarded. Finally Poppa said, “I’m going to give this cat a name and I don’t want to hear no more yammering from yezYnezyeyesyeayeryewFezfezyenyepyetabout it. We got work to do here and can’t be wasting a lotta time on this here foolishness. “

Poppa walked over to the cat and took up a very “official” looking position. He gravely intoned, “From this day forward among all the speaking creatures on this farm you will henceforth and forevermore be known as ‘Re-Pete.'"

Having so decreed, he said, “Now let’s get some work done around here for a change!”

Poppa returned to the barn to clean and put away the milking equipment,  When he was done, he came into the house and announced that he had to run into to town to take care of a few errands, but would be back by supper.

Mash went to the hen house to finish gathering the eggs, Derek went out to feed the pigs and Mother began putting clothes on the line to dry.

Just before dark, they all heard the pickup coming up the drive and knew that Poppa was back.

As soon as Poppa got in the house, he began to call for Mash.

She came to him immediately, and he pulled a crudely wrapped package from behind his back and said, “This is for you.”

She was confused and surprised and madly tore the wrapping paper off to reveal a beautiful dress inside.

She began to cry and jumped into Poppa’s arms.

He said, “Sometimes I may seem a little tough on you, but farming is a tough business. I want you to know that I love you more than I have words to say it. I’m getting tired of seeing you in overalls and boots. You are 14 years old now, and it’s high time you began to dress like the beautiful girl you are.”

Meanwhile, Re-Pete retired to the barn. He told his assistant, “You know where to find me.” He located his favorite spot and settled in for a well deserved nap. He spent the day dreaming of striking terror into the hearts of barn mice and being Top Cat on this farm for many years to come.

© Timothy D. Culey

Now what?

Eitehr I am getting old or am overlooking the obvious, but I can't even find a tutorial on here to tell me how to get to this Dashboard thingy they talk about. There must be a start page someplace on here, right? Is the Dashboard the start?